.....shark party.: How to Be a Poser at Coachella (Like Me)

So you've decided to go to Coachella this year. But beyond the Killers, that dude from the Beatles and that M.I.A. song with the guns, you have no idea what the hell's going on (sorry for the condescension, music fans, but as this doubles as an LA blog, you'll have to bear with me). Here's a cheat sheet to help you verbally spar with the skinny-jeans hipsters debating whether to do blow & dance to Crystal Castles or do bi-curiosity & dance to Franz Ferdinand (before going full gay for Morrissey, of course). Anyway, snide jokes aside, here's a quick guide to some of this weekend's highlights......

-Most Anticipated Acts I've Never Seen Live-

1. Crystal Castles (Friday)

The 8-bit rockers' live show has become awfully notorious over the last couple years, and I for one can't wait to see the big guns they'll pull out for Coachella. They command the Sahara tent on Friday, and whatever happens onstage (or in the crowd, for that matter), will undoubtedly be the talk of the night. In other words: these two are fucking crazy, and you don't wanna miss whatever they're gonna do.

2. TV On The Radio (Saturday)

Both times I finally got around to realizing they were playing LA, it was too late to buy tickets, and I didn't much feel like blowing a lot of $$$ to scalpers. So this will be a long time coming for me.

3. Lykke Li (Sunday)

Swooooooooonnnn!!!!!

-Acts That Just Might Headline In A Few Years-

1. White Lies (Friday)

The festival's most controversial young act might be these British upstarts, who are seen by some as a 21st century Tears for Fears/Depeche Mode hybrid, and by others as a Killers knockoff. Their act is worth seeing on Friday, if only to discover if they deliver on the hype, or crumble under the pressure of their biggest stage yet. Based off their killer set at the Viper Room a few months ago, I'd bet on the former.

2. Fleet Foxes (Saturday)

The fact that, barely over a year since the band released its first EP, these guys are playing the festival's second biggest stage, is a testament to their massive talent. If they keep up at this rate, they may be headlining come album #2.

3. No Age (Sunday)

So maybe they won't be headlining til they're the X or Throbbing Gristle-style fringe nostalgia act twenty years in the future, but considering they're one of the hottest (and most influential) acts in the rock right now, you don't wanna miss these guys.

-Fuck it. Let's Just Cut to My Recommended Schedule-

Friday:

Let's be honest, you'll probably be stuck in traffic the vast majority of the day, so if all else fails, make sure you catch Los Campesinos! in the Gobi tent at 4:20. The crowds should be relatively thin, as the more popular bar band is playing one tent away, but believe me when I say these guys have more to prove than The Hold Steady, and will almost certainly put on the crazier show. From there, White Lies play the Mojave tent at 5:20, though if you're already one of their detractors, you can go directly to the Sahara for the Ting Tings. Get comfortable, because this is gonna be the best spot on the field for the next few hours, with Crystal Castles at 6:40, Ghostland Observatory at 7:50, and Girl Talk at 9:00. Of course, if dance music isn't your thing, catching Franz Ferdinand, Leonard Cohen and Morrissey on the big stages aren't the worst ways to spend a Friday night. Either way, it goes without saying that Paul McCartney at 10:00 might just be a popular draw.

Saturday:

Let's be even more honest than we were on Friday: there's nothing worth running to early on in the day, so I'd recommend hitting up a pool party instead (between Adidas, Dim Mak and Guy's House, you're sure to find at least one that's fun). Dr. Dog is the first solid act of the day, but things won't really heat up til TV On the Radio takes the main stage at 6:25, unfortunately scheduled against Glasvegas, but that's how it goes. Wander next door to Fleet Foxes at 7:25, but don't stray too far, as M.I.A. goes on at 8:55. In another tough choice, she's scheduled against Band of Horses, but if you've seen Fleet Foxes already, well.....then you've already kind of seen Band of Horses, so it's cool. Finally, love them or hate them, the Killers should put on one hell of a show at 10:25. If there's any time left, catch the tail end of Gang Gang Dance in the Gobi tent and try not to get a contact high on the way in.

Sunday:

Finally........it's time to sweat it out all day long. Begin your Sunday by rocking the fuck out to Vivian Girls at 12:45, No Age at 1:45, and Fucked Up at 2:50, all in the Mojave tent. Feel free to stick around for the Brian Jonestown Massacre to see who gets kicked in the head, but Lykke Li performs at the Outdoor Theatre at 4:05, then Antony and the Johnsons perform right after at 5:25. Suddenly (thanks to their brilliant 3rd LP) Sunday's buzziest act, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, go on the main stage at 6:15, followed by My Bloody Valentine at 7:50 and the Cure at 9:25, if you've got the energy left. The Kills and the Horrors are really the only other acts worth seeing, but by that point, if you're not somebody's biggest fan, chances are you'll be speeding back to Hollywood. And with all that said, I'll see you this weekend....and I'll be back with my review next week.....along with, possibly, a little help from a friend. You'll see what I mean.......so there you have it. Enjoy your weekend, and don't take too many drugs, or you could wind up hanging out with THESE GIRLS: